Our Journey to Motherhood

"What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise."
Welcome reader from get pregnant--flag!get pregnant smiley

If you are reading this, I guess it is because you too are trying to have a baby and are experiencing challenges. My story is written here in my blog because I just can’t bear to go through this alone anymore.

Just to bring you up to date, I am just shy of my 36th birthday. Hard to admit that - as I still feel like 20 and it sounds so old in terms of child bearing yearsget pregnant sad smiley . As a teenager I envisaged being a stay at home mom with five kids. My daydreams included the whole deal - the station wagon, the handsome husband, the maid, and teaching and supporting my kids through all their various interests, hobbies, friends and stages of life. I saw myself as supermom! All that changed when I and fell in love with my first boyfriend. We decided together that we did not want children. We wanted to travel the world, be free and be childish and immature forever - no room for kids in that scenario.

Well, 12 years later, I no longer wanted to be childish and immature. I had crossed 30 with no baby pangs, but it was brewing quietly. Unfortunately my marriage was in no state to support a child, but when we decided to give it another try, in September 2001, I realized that I wanted to have a baby. I even thought maybe it might help us. Wrong. Silly. Misguided perhaps. But it seemed reasonable at the time. I took my rubella vaccine and waited impatiently for the 3 months to pass so that we could officially start trying to become pregnant.

I was sure it would happen within a few months but being a control freak, I scoured the internet to learn about learning fertility signs and possible issues. More than anything else I wanted to learn how to optimize our chances of conceiving quickly. I was even arrogant enough to think that we could choose the sex of our baby. Sigh. Oh for those days of ignorance again.

Well the months passed with no success. I joined a chat room full of women all trying to conceive. I learnt so many tricks and tips for optimizing my chances to become pregnant. Most of which I will be sharing here on this blog. I tried every tip because each one worked for so many others I talked to. Some seemed successful in increasing my cervical mucus and lengthening my luteal phase. If you are not familiar with these terms, keep reading because I will definitely be explaining it all in the blog. But none of those tips resulted in a pregnancy for me.

I formed close friendships with many of those ladies who were also trying to get pregnant. My real-life friends cannot understand the bond that forms with women I have never met but who have cried and vented with me over another negative home pregnancy test (hpt) or god-forbid, a diagnosis of cancer. It's really indescribable, but if you are reading this, then you already have an idea. Then there was the being happy for them when they finally get pregnant and graduate to the first trimester board and but so jealous and sad for me because I was still struggling to get pregnant. Talk about an emotional roller coaster.

By the end, I had watched all of my trying to conceive buddies get pregnant, except two - both of whom gave up and left the boards. I eventually left too, still with an empty womb. I still occasionally visit - surreptitiously, silently. My marriage, already weak, could not bear the stress of trying unsuccessfully to conceive and finally it ended.

I moved on. Getting older and still wanting to have a baby. I knew my new relationship was not ready for a baby but I could not bear not to try. I visited a lady who gave massages and herbal drinks. She gave me 3 massages that cycle - one on the day of ovulation. I religiously drank all the teas and the drinks she gave me - no matter how foul tasting. Then, when my period was due, I visited her again, she massaged me and felt something hard - I remember that moment as if it were seared into my memory - hope burgeoned. She said I could be pregnant.

And there it was - my first and only pregnancy. Of course, it was not meant to be. Within weeks it was gone - a D&C required to remove it. I can't even discuss the pain of that yet. That also heralded the end of that relationship.

Fast forward to three years later - a new boyfriend who became a fiancé earlier this year. An engagement to this loving, caring, extremely supportive man I never knew I would love so much. A relationship that keeps getting better and better with each passing day. I never knew love could be this good, this supportive, this honest, and this passionate. I love him so much and for the first I don't just want A baby - I want OUR baby. I want our family. I ache to see him with our baby. I ache to see this tiny beautiful little product of our love - looking and being a little bit like him and a little bit like me. It makes me smile just to think of it.

For the last year we have been aggressively trying to have a baby. We have tried several 'natural' methods, month after month - doctor after doctor, herb after herb. And here we are facing Christmas 2006 still without a positive pregnancy test.

The next step is the invasive methods of all the clinical doctors. But I am determined that 2007 will bring us a baby. So please, join us on our journey to motherhood.